*

Janice Begay sat in her given spot within the hogan. She rocked back and forth her hands in her lap. The pain was increasing. It got worse when her father was angry. Sometimes it swarmed within her like angry bees or like fish that were feeding. The brutal savagery of what had happened to her the day before had left her with nothing but pain.

"Tell me who did this to you!"

She cringed. His voice rolled like thunder through the hogan.

"I don't know, Father," She moaned. "I didn't know him."

Jim Begay leaned forward feeling his heels dig into the earth beneath his crossed legs. His large forehead wrinkled into a puzzled expression that suddenly gave way to one of enlightenment.

"I'm going to ask your Uncle Jack. He'll know what to do."

Janice felt the blood rushing to her face, it began to pound in her temples. Her gaze darted to the shadowy form of her father. She felt her rage become a whirring ball of angry black spiders. The feeling was so palpable it made her sides shiver.

"Don't be foolish, Father, Uncle Jack is of the old times. There is nothing that he knows that can help me or you."

Jim Begay shot an angry glance at his daughter. "You might be surprised at what old beliefs can do!" In the silence that followed he glared at his daughter. She looked small and ashen in the dusty light that reflected off her hands and her pink silk dress. He wanted to go to her. To touch her. To comfort her. But he didn't. His fatherly reserve made him think better of it. Since her sixteenth birthday he had sensed her withdrawal from him, Now she was eighteen. Things were much worse. Just when he thought the gulf couldn't get any wider between them, this ugly thing had happened. Jim was ready to kill the man who had done it.

Jim got up, and turned awkwardly and snatched his hat off the rusty nail that stuck out of the timbers on the inside of the hogan wall.

"What ever Uncle Jack says, I won't do it!" Janice warned him, desperately.

"You'll do what I tell you to do." Jim looked at his big felt hat then into the defiant eyes of his daughter. "If you would've stayed here, like I told you to do , this thing never would've happened... Instead you go dancing in that manure pit of a cowboy bar. That bar is a Hell of a place. It has brought us both misfortune. I told you never to go there." He turned to leave.

"I won't listen to Uncle Jack!" She cried out. "I won't listen to you either!"

Jim brushed aside the rough gray wool blanket that was used as a door cover. He stalked the field and climbed into his old, battered, white pickup. He sat there for what seemed hours. Without warning he hit the steering wheel with both fists nearly breaking it. He twisted the key in the ignition, cooling down just enough not to break the fragile metal in his big clumsy paw. The truck started and Jim Begay roared off in a cloud of dust.

Inside the hogan Janice placed her hand between her legs and began to rock. Her eyes watered. She pressed her hand harder. It didn't help It felt like a long, hot, sword had been thrust up inside her and then cruelly turned sideways.

She thought of her father. That big lumbering bear. Brutish, stupid, and dangerous. One swipe from one of those big hands of his...! She continued to rock back and forth. She looked absently at the bright ring of sunlight cast on the packed dirt floor of the hogan. It came slanting through the hole in the center of the roof. It left a gauzy shaft silhouetted against the gray darkness of the mud and timber interior.

She thought of her life on the reservation. The only things of value she owned were her two silk dresses. One for good. One not so good. And the lovely ceremonial blanket she wrapped around her shoulders on festival days. She looked around at the interior of the hogan. Her father had made it with the help of Uncle Jack. Small eccentric, and crazy, Uncle Jack was a medicine man. Every time Janice thought of him she snorted disrespectfully. She knew he thought of himself as an ancient warrior who sometimes turned into other animals of every shape and variety. Janice winced at the idea. uncle Jack was prone to having hallucinations and acting like a lunatic most of the time. Sometimes he acted normally. When he did he called it "hibernating." Janice hoped he was hibernating now. She heard the truck start up and roar off. She thought again of her father riding on the shiny black seat of his pickup. He was not an intelligent man. Janice knew it. He always looked to Uncle Jack when ever he had to think. The reason, she thought, was because Uncle Jack made him laugh. What kind of reason was that?

Janice picked up a stick and threw it angrily at the fire. She hit the red coffee pot that was hanging over the coals on the wire pot holder. It spilled the dark black liquid into the cinders with a hiss.

The following day, the pain was in her abdomen was much worse. She hadn't moved except to lay down at night. Her Mother sat by her side. She was making a poultice from crushed cactus plants and putting it on the scratches on the inside of Janice's thighs. Light filled the hogan suddenly and the women jumped as the door flap flew open. Janice couldn't help herself. She let out a moan mixed with a cry. Her father burst into the tiny room and squatted on his haunches. He looked across the smoking fire at Janice.

"It is time to go now," he said. He was still feeling a little nauseous from being dead drunk the night before in Tuba City. His eyes were swimming. Even Janice could see them red and delirious in the dim light of the interior of the hogan. He had spent the early morning hours alternately driving and stopping to throw up but now he was making a brave show of trying to look sober. Jim Begay knew what he had to do. He was certain of it. He got up unsteadily, leaning on the wall for support, then turned and left the hogan. Janice was in such pain that she felt it would be too much of a physical strain to argue with her drunk father. She made herself ready for the journey. Janice's mother helped her to get to her feet. The two women came out from the hogan and walked into the bright morning sunshine. The air smelled big and dusty as it did on most Arizona mornings, but Janice did not notice. her head was swaying from side to side. She was stumbling.

Her mother helped to boost her into the passenger side of her father's pickup and closed the door. She locked it through the open window. "You'll be safe now, You'll be all right soon." Janice leaned against the passenger door. She closed her eyes against the pain swimming around on the bottom of her belly. It's electric tail touching her savagely in places she did not want to think about. She tried to shift the pain to different parts of her body to get it away from it's angry center. She squeezed her clenched fists together. Jim Begay had been rummaging in the back of the pickup now he climbed in on the driver's side and slammed the door wit a rattling bang. He carefully placed a wrapped thermos on the seat beside him. Soon they were driving along a dirt road that twisted toward the mesas. Janice looked over at her father, his brown hands gripping the steering wheel.

"He raped me, father," Janice said, It was the first time she had used the word.

"Yes."

"Why do men do such things?"

"It is because they have demons inside them."

"Where do the demons come from?"

"I don't know."

They rode on in silence. Janice looked long at her father. He seemed to pay no attention to her steady gaze. She was amazed that she was related to the big lumbering "animal" sitting next to her. Her pain made her nauseous, angry, and delirious all at once. Her emotions surfaced as certainly as bubbles of air risingfrom the bottom of a pond then spreading themselves upon the surface of her consciousness like reflective colors that oil makes upon the surface of water. In her delirium he looked like the enemy who had assaulted her. He was a man; that much was undeniable. He smelled, looked and felt lake a man. The antithesis of the soft, submissive creature that was her mother. An angry man, filled with hate, hard, with unshakable beliefs. She knew exactly what he represented. He was of those that held dominance, that made laws, that made her do things that she did not want to do. Yes, her father reminded her of the enemy that hurt her too. the enemy was like her father. Like a lizard or a snake with a cold unblinking eye. She remembered her enemy's face, his breath, his teeth. was he like her father? Yes. He was a man. Was he like her boyfriend? yes. Janice shut her eyes. She wasn't sure what she was going to do. would she tell her boyfriend what had happened to her? Her thumbnail rode along the back of her other hand almost breaking the skin. Her teeth clenched so hard that it made her eyes water. She felt that she had somehow betrayed him. But...what could she have done? She wasn't sure. Could she let him touch her ever again? No.

Again she looked at her father. He was wearing his ceremonial head band made of silk. It was bright red and blue with little yellow paisleys scattered all over it. Suddenly he looked foolish, stupid, andold. His face was set and hard but there was uncertainty there. she could see it. Is he thinking what I am thinking? That the ways of the people can't help me? That it is stupid to gothrough whatever idiotic ceremony Uncle Jack has concocted? I hate this! I hate what has happened to me! This can't be happening! She shook her head in revulsion. She felt her jaw tighten. A sickening taste entered her mouth like a small yellow bee that stung her. She longed for the eyes of her mother. She would understand.

The truck came to a dusty halt. Uncle Jack stood at the edge of the field near the shadow of the red mesa that rose to meet the sun. Uncle Jack was a little man with monkey like features. He stood no taller than five foot two inches. He wore a checked shirt that was dirty beyond belief. His pants were torn. He looked more like a derelict than a medicine man. He too had a ceremonial scaf tied around his forehead of bright swirling colors.

"daddy, please don't make me do any of Uncle Jack's stupid ceremonies, He's no good! His ways are old. He just makes things up. He is just a silly old man. He'll make me do stupid things that won't help a bit. He'll embarrass me. Embarrass us both!" Janice was chokeing and involuntarily jerking her body as she pleaded with her father. Her pleas went unheeded. No response was forthcoming.

Janice's eyes searched the face of her father. Still he said nothing. He wasn't even listening. Janice's heart dropped. She felt time itself slow down. She felt the low drubbing of her heart.

Her father reachedfor the thermos that lay besid him on the seat. Still, he said nothing. Janice could hear the crackling of the plastic that held the thermos. On the white plastic, written in big red letters, was the name of a grocery storein Tuba City. Her faher got out and walked over to Uncle Jack. The men stood there and talked for a long while paying no attention to Janice. She could see they were laughing, patting themselves on the back, doing those things that men do when they meet regardless of other people's feelings. Regardless of their women or their children. Eventually Uncle Jack broke into a crazy little dance. Her father was laughing.

Janice looked around at the interior of the cab. Tears were welling up in her eyes. Her stomach hurt. Worst of all was the pain. It swam around inside her. She looked at her hands, they blurred into bright representations of themselves. She looked up as a tear rolled down her cheek. Her sight sharpened. Hurriedly she looked back behind her at the distant mesas, then at the dashboard ignition switch. Her father had taken the keys. There was no comfort for her anywhere. Angrily, she got out and walked over to the two laughing men.

Uncle Jack sobered. Her father looked down at the ground, a smile still on his face. She staired at him until all traces of the smile were gone. He looked down and rubbed the back of his neck with his hand. Eventually he kicked some dirt with his dusty boot. The three of them stood there, each one daring the other to speak. It wa Uncle Jack who broke the sielence. In the short clipped speech of her tribe he said, "You will have to get the demon out. We will help, but you must get it out."

Janice set her mouth and narrowed her eyes at the little man, hating him. She said nothing. She would not give him the pleasure of hearing her words. She looked down as she salked with the two men across the field. The three of them walked over to a recently dug hole.

Janice saw a shovel near the mound of dirt by the side of the hole. Her father unwrapped the thermos and handed it to her. "You must drink this," he said. "You must drink all of it." She looked at the thermos mistrustfully. She pulled the cork. The thermos was full. It weighed heaviy in her hand. Her father wiped the look of concern off his face and replaced it with a benign smile. He looks stupid, she thought. She smelled the open thermos and recoiled. The two men laughed and she looked angrily back at them, her glare daring themto laugh again. Again she was reminded of the taunting laugh of the enemy. Wasn't this the same thing all over again? She took a sip and spit the rancid liquid out.

"You Bastards!" She screamed.

Both Uncle Jack and her father were just watery blurs. She was looking through the eyes of a dog barking wildly at the wind. Still she clung to the thermos. Deep in her mind there was a 'maybe.' Could this kill the demon?

It tasted like a dead thing. Janice looked at the blur where her father stood and ran toward him. She flung out her arm like a tiger wishing to slash its victim but her hand was just as ineffectual girl's hand. It clawed the air, missing her father. She was caught between fear and hate. Fear for her dignity, her life, and hate. Hate for him who had raped her. Hate for her father who was making her do this thing. Hated him for bieng of the Dineh, the people. Hated him for his stupid beliefs. Her stomach trembled. Then like someone experiencing a sudden revelation, she remembered she was no longer a girl. She was a woman now. Strong like her mother. Her mother who had endured so much pain, so much disgrace! She held her mother's eyes in her mind and saw her kind, sun plished face. She thought of her mothers's round body, soft, yet strong. She remembered her mother and kept her image firmly in her mind's eye. She held the liquid up to her lips and drank deeply.

There was a moment tha seemed like an eternity to Janice Begay, then she bent over the hole and vomited. She retched down to the core of her being; regurgitating out the stink of death. Regurgitating out the demon. She could feelthe dody of the demon coming out of her mouth and falling into the hole. She felt her body lurch and uncoil like a naake. She closed her eyes and wiped the back of her hand across her mouth. Now there was a new sensation, She could warm blood between her legs. She reached down and pulled up her dress. She felt between her legs. Her hand came out bloody. The men looke at her. She could hear Uncle Jacks's voice. She tried to clear the ringing in her head to make out what he was saying.

"The demon is still in you. Squat over the hole and get the rest of it out."

Janice looked at the two men standing near her. They looked like ghouls, their eyes gleaming, their mouths slavering. She could tell they wanted to look at her. She motioned for them to turn away; they would not.

"Squat over the hole, Janice," Uncle Jack commanded.

Janice obeyed pulling up her dress squatting over the hole. Se squatted deeply so the men could not see her. She did not want them to see her. She looked back over her shoulder at the two men. This is another trick, her mind screamed wildly. She tried to get up but she felt the hands of one of the men holding her down. Realizing it was her father she screamed and cursed him.

"Reach down and get the demon out," he ordered hoarsly.

Suddenly she stopped squirming and reached down and pulled out the bloody thing. She looked at it wriggling between her fingers. It was the sharp end of the demon's tail. She threw it into the hole and it squirmed in the foul mess, then seeped into it. She felt her father's strong arms pull her upward. Her stomach quivered but she no long felt like retching. Her father pulled her up and held her to his chest lovingly supporting her.

"I'm O.K. daddy," Janice said.

The pain was gone. She looked at Uncle Jack. He wa a wizened little man whose hight would barely reach her chin, should he stand next to her. How could he have known? His eyes sparkled like those of a small mischievious monkey. They were animal eyes. She realized it now. But the animal was on her side. Dispite their black glassy appearance, she could see that they were calm and knowing. He was obviously happy that his medicine had worked. His voice took on new authority as he told Janice that she would have to bury the demon herself. Janice could hear him laughing and singing as the two men walked away. Janice looked up at them as they walked back across the field. The viel had lifted. She saw her father, bent and smaller than the little man next to him. He looked older too. Older and more tired. She turned and picked up the shovel. New strength entered her body as she shoveled dry earth into the hole. She thought of the enemy. He is nothing to me. She had faced the demon and defeated it. She felt strong, stronger than before, I am truly a woman now, she said to herself as she shoveled the last few clods of dirt into the hole.

***